"I think that we're all mentally ill. Those of us outside the asylums only hide it a little better - and maybe not all that much better after all." -- Stephen King
How Dogs Do - An Elder Dog's Advice to a Young Pup
07/22/2012 17:09 Filed in: Writing
I dedicate this blog post to a young pup named Fozzy Bear. Hey, Lil Dude! I saw your blog and felt compelled to take this opportunity to clue you in on what's good in the world of canines (that's us, BTW). Yes, I picked up on the humans' usage of Internet slang. Good grief. You'd think they'd lost their collective sensibilities when you read some of the trash … uh, I mean dialogue, they post online. And they say we canines have small brains! Ha!
So, young pup, you're growing up to be an exceptional canine, are you? I'm glad to hear that. You look pretty chipper! You must be sure, though, to keep those two humans of yours on track and that will be a daunting doggie task. They're going to continue to push you in directions you don't want to go. For instance, when a pesky squirrel has the audacity to zip past you during one of those plodding walks the humans drag you on … they'll want you to toe the line and ignore the squirrel. Dude! To hell with that! You totally go for broke. Man up! Show some canine cojones (while you still have some) … take off after that rodent! Chase it like there's no tomorrow. That's how we do. Got it? (P.S. Hope your humans don't discover that torture device called "gentle leader" … total misnomer. Seriously.)
In regards to food choices, I’m afraid you're on your own in that department. As appetizing and irresistible as I find human fare, my doggie digestive tract has a mind of its own. Believe me, there's nothing worse than the outcome of my chowing down on some tasty tidbits. I usually save up these horrific episodes for when the human that likes me (JJ) is away in Mexico. Yeah, they think I'm clueless about this every other summer escapade … leaving me with the human who dislikes me (Judy) and who’s blog I’ve surreptitiously usurped to post this. Hahahaha. (Think she’ll notice?) I'll tell you what – I let her know what's what. I usually wait until like the second or third day and then the shit hits the fan, Fozzy. Literally. I can brew some nastiness inside these old guts and when the cauldron is bubbling and boiling, I let loose. All over the house!
Here's a key piece of advice, though. Keep such shenanigans away from where you eat and sleep. It's imperative that you only launch these deadly bombs and pasty pools of toxic waste in areas that the humans occupy. Living room. Dining room. And it's especially fulfilling if you involve rugs and/or carpet instead of wood or linoleum. Truly a delight to watch and listen to the human response! You may even learn a few new words. An accomplishment of grand proportions, yup. True. True.
Another fun trick I learned was how to escape from the back yard. For this momentous achievement, I also waited until the 'good human' (JJ) was away in Mexico. I jumped up and put my snout to good use – lifting the latch on the back gate. Freedom, my friend! It's a beautiful thing! Then the human who dislikes me (Judy) had to deal with the phone calls and walking blocks and blocks to retrieve me. It was a blast! I'd go visit other canines … or sometimes just yards with kids out playing. Everyone in the neighborhood was always receptive and welcoming. They loved my visits. But then I'd have to return home with the evil one. And listen to her rant about how I was a bad dog for going on a little adventure. Dude! Adventures are the best! Totally worth the few minutes of haranguing from the humans. There are so many cool canines to meet and chill with. Always be on the lookout for a good escape route when they leave you alone in the yard.
Let me introduce you to one of our most famous canines - Snoopy. You’ll learn a lot from him. He’s awesome! Joe Cool! Have your humans queue up some TV sessions of the “Peanuts” cartoons. Good times.
I’m tuckered out from all this typing. As you know, not having apposable thumbs makes typing difficult. Damn raccoons got it easy. Grrrrr. Anyway, time for my tenth nap of the day. When you get to be my age – 13 (I'd be 91 if I were a human, now that's old) – naps are a necessity. Live it up while you're able. And stay tuned for more advice, I’ll sneak posts in whenever I can. The evil one shall not catch me! I’m like the Red Baron … taking flight! Woo Hoo!! (Too much Snoopy? Nah.) Be cool, Lil Dude!
Your pal from the big city,
Harry the Wonder Dog
So, young pup, you're growing up to be an exceptional canine, are you? I'm glad to hear that. You look pretty chipper! You must be sure, though, to keep those two humans of yours on track and that will be a daunting doggie task. They're going to continue to push you in directions you don't want to go. For instance, when a pesky squirrel has the audacity to zip past you during one of those plodding walks the humans drag you on … they'll want you to toe the line and ignore the squirrel. Dude! To hell with that! You totally go for broke. Man up! Show some canine cojones (while you still have some) … take off after that rodent! Chase it like there's no tomorrow. That's how we do. Got it? (P.S. Hope your humans don't discover that torture device called "gentle leader" … total misnomer. Seriously.)
In regards to food choices, I’m afraid you're on your own in that department. As appetizing and irresistible as I find human fare, my doggie digestive tract has a mind of its own. Believe me, there's nothing worse than the outcome of my chowing down on some tasty tidbits. I usually save up these horrific episodes for when the human that likes me (JJ) is away in Mexico. Yeah, they think I'm clueless about this every other summer escapade … leaving me with the human who dislikes me (Judy) and who’s blog I’ve surreptitiously usurped to post this. Hahahaha. (Think she’ll notice?) I'll tell you what – I let her know what's what. I usually wait until like the second or third day and then the shit hits the fan, Fozzy. Literally. I can brew some nastiness inside these old guts and when the cauldron is bubbling and boiling, I let loose. All over the house!
Here's a key piece of advice, though. Keep such shenanigans away from where you eat and sleep. It's imperative that you only launch these deadly bombs and pasty pools of toxic waste in areas that the humans occupy. Living room. Dining room. And it's especially fulfilling if you involve rugs and/or carpet instead of wood or linoleum. Truly a delight to watch and listen to the human response! You may even learn a few new words. An accomplishment of grand proportions, yup. True. True.
Another fun trick I learned was how to escape from the back yard. For this momentous achievement, I also waited until the 'good human' (JJ) was away in Mexico. I jumped up and put my snout to good use – lifting the latch on the back gate. Freedom, my friend! It's a beautiful thing! Then the human who dislikes me (Judy) had to deal with the phone calls and walking blocks and blocks to retrieve me. It was a blast! I'd go visit other canines … or sometimes just yards with kids out playing. Everyone in the neighborhood was always receptive and welcoming. They loved my visits. But then I'd have to return home with the evil one. And listen to her rant about how I was a bad dog for going on a little adventure. Dude! Adventures are the best! Totally worth the few minutes of haranguing from the humans. There are so many cool canines to meet and chill with. Always be on the lookout for a good escape route when they leave you alone in the yard.
Let me introduce you to one of our most famous canines - Snoopy. You’ll learn a lot from him. He’s awesome! Joe Cool! Have your humans queue up some TV sessions of the “Peanuts” cartoons. Good times.
I’m tuckered out from all this typing. As you know, not having apposable thumbs makes typing difficult. Damn raccoons got it easy. Grrrrr. Anyway, time for my tenth nap of the day. When you get to be my age – 13 (I'd be 91 if I were a human, now that's old) – naps are a necessity. Live it up while you're able. And stay tuned for more advice, I’ll sneak posts in whenever I can. The evil one shall not catch me! I’m like the Red Baron … taking flight! Woo Hoo!! (Too much Snoopy? Nah.) Be cool, Lil Dude!
Your pal from the big city,
Harry the Wonder Dog